Today, a year ago ...

I still remember how I felt, right from the very moment I woke up from sleep. I was anxious because today, a year ago, you were supposed to move over from TTSH to Assasi Home. Ibu slept overnight the day before to accompany you while adik and I returned home because it was the start of a new schooling year for adik, and she needed someone to attend to her.

I got a call from Ibu that morning. She told me that you asked me to hurry up, or I might miss the bus. What bus were you talking about, Ayah? Was it the bus to Assasi Home? Or was it the bus to you before you slipped into this unconcious state and you want to see me for one last time?

I slipped into my green dress that day. Did you remember the green dress that I bought at BPP with you? I made my way to the hospital in a cab because I fear that you might left me for Assasi Home. But when I arrived, I felt lost.

You looked so weak, so weak that day. I still remember the feeling of tears that began to tickle at the back of my eyes. Your eyes were red that day, you look lethargic, your head hung low all the time. Nurses came in and out and talked to me about cancelling the trip to Assasi Home. One nurse said to me, "Maybe he doesn't want to go to Assasi Home." and smiled before walking off.

Another welfare worker came in. She came up to Ibu and I and told me, "Things is going to turn worse. You need to get ready. Maybe he cannot make it through the day."

I cried. Who wouldn't when one know that the time for the person she love is being predicted that easily? I tried to control my tears, but you know what a cry baby I am. I turned to you, tears still flowing, and you asked, "Why are your eyes red? Are you sick?"

I replied, "Yes" and wiped off my tears.

I'm sorry, I lied to you. But I don't want to answer you truthfuly because I still hope that you will still hold on, you will still be strong. But why did you ask me whether I was sick, Ayah? Did you already gave up and don't want to hear the truth, hence asking me that question? Did you know beforehand that you're going to leave us? Did you?

Ibu left for home to get rest when Mak Long arrived. The three of us were quiet. You insisted on wanting to stand up even though you're weak. Either one of us had to stand with you to support you. You stood with your eyes close and than we asked you to sit. The last sentence I heard from you was, "Stay here tonight with Ibu, incase something happens. Kesian Ibu..." 

Soon after, your eyes closed. I'm sorry you had to go through that pain, I'm sorry I couldn't do anything to help, I'm sorry for being too sorry for you. Doctors came in and took an x-ray of you, took out the tube in your left lung and insert it back again. It hurts me badly to see the pain in your eyes, but I know the pain I felt, is nothing as compared to yours.

I left you alone for sometime with Mak Long and I bought the two of us lunch. When I came back, Mak Long and I talked quietly and that was the first time I saw her cry. By than, you were already unconcious. Your body was cold. Your breathing was forceful.

By the time adik came back home from school, you were unconcious in your recliner. Cik Lan came, Cik No came, Cik Jenal came, Ibu came and you were surrounded by home, the home you wanted to return to so much during your stay in the hospital. When Ibu came, she said the salam to you, and your head immediately followed her voice, but your eyes were still clamped shut. Did you want to see her face? Did you want to see adik's face? Did you want to see everybody's face?

By than, the bleeping monitor to monitor your hear rate that I thought I will only see in the TV, was hooked up to you. It was scary seeing you hooked up to many things at one go. My friends came to give me support and I bawled my eyes out. Did you hear me?

At one moment, you suddenly sat up, your eyes open but it was blood shot, adn you stretched out your arms to the front and your palms move as if asking for something. Eveybody asked you what is it you were looking for, but you didn't reply. You kept doing that till you had no energy and fell back into your bed.

That night, I left home for adik. I'm sorry I didn't listen to your words. I should have stayed with Ibu. Everybody insisted on me going back home with adik even though I didn't want to. Ibu was with Cik No that night though.

It was around this time we reached home. We washed up, adik got ready for bed and both of us slept together that night, since there was noone at home. I had the phone near me that night because I fear. I just fear so much.

Not long after that, I received a phonecall from Ibu, asking us to rush down for the hospital because your breathing has gone all whack. Adik and I somehow got into the shwoer together and quickly got ready. But than, I received another call from Kak Ina a few mintues later.

" ... Lenny.... Ayah da takde...."

Of course I cried. I cried so much for not being there with you during your last minute. But than again, if I were to be there, how would it be? How would I face that deafening sound of the monitor that indicates that you're no longer here? How would I face your face that is no longer lifeless? I broke the news to adik, and she cried for you. We cried for you so much that night Ayah.

The first person I called was Ahmad. I cried and talked gibberish to him. I said all the different things that I'm sure he didn't understand but he listened to me, waited for me to calm down before putting down the phone. I texted my friends and I waited for you at home.

2am, you came home. The first time they showed us your face, we looked at each other and cry. I cried so much because the loss felt more real with you in front of us. You were ... smiling. You were smiling because you're glad that your battle is over and there's no more pain you need to suffer.

You're brave, Ayah. You're my soldier, my hero, heck, you're alll the Superheroes in the world to me, to us.

It's been a year since the 3rd of January 2008. How time flies so fast. I wish you were here just to witness us growing up. I wish you were here just to fill in the gap. I wish you were here just so our family would be complete.

I miss you. We miss you. I've hold my tears so much for the past few weeks because the New Year makes me nervous now. I just want you to know, that no matter how far you are now, I still love you. We still love you. I don't know who else still remember about today, but I know, I will, always will.

I love you this much that it doesn't even fit the space of this Livejournal textbox. We'll meet one day. Till the next letter.

I love you.
Zutto, zutto, ei en ni...

Dear Ayah,

So many things happened since I last wrote to you. It's already December the 2nd.. I don't know if it's just me but it's hurting a lot deep inside knowing the year is coming to an end soon, knowing that it will soon be a year since you left. I miss you, I still do, but I've cried lesser now.

I'm sitting for another round of my common tests. It's hectic, I'm exhausted, I'm tired. I've been through so many emotional rides these past few weeks. I'm hanging here and there, I'm lonely but there's no one for me to turn to. It's a wonder how I am able to bottle things up so much. I'm afraid one day I might just loose it and than make others feel hurt..

Maybe the way things have been going is all due to my fault. Maybe I didn't treasure people enough, like how I did not treasure you. Maybe I do deserve all these sufferings and pains, maybe after all, it's His punishment for me.

Dear Ayah, I miss you. I don't know if I feel like celebrating my 17th. My 16th was spent in the hospital, but at least, it was with you. At least, I got to see you. At least, you were still here. I know you're still here, in our hearts, but it's never the same.

I got shortlisted for the India trip and I am elated. My first plane ride, my first trip to a foreign country and I can't wait. But than, the bombing in Mumbai had to happen. A fellow Singaporean had to be killed cruelly. And I'm not sure if I still should go. I keep telling people that everywhere we go, whatever we do, there are always risks. But when this happen, I'm totally scared. I don't know if I should still go. If you were here, do you think you can help me? Will you let me go?

I was also tested positive for thalasemia. I've yet to do a research for that but well, if it were to be chronic, I might just have what Ibu have. Another test from Him, I suppose.

Sometimes I wish I wouldn't have that much tests as now, but maybe without all of this, I will not appreciate the people around me. Day by day I'm turning more into an introvert and don't wish to open up because I believe the world is too cruel for me to break my already fragile heart. But one day, I hope I will come out from this soon.

I hope I don't soun too depress for you, Ayah. I'm sorry if I make you worried.

Till the next letter,
Love,
Kakak

Dear Ayah,

I'm sorry for not writing to you for so long. It's still Syawal isn't it? But to me it never feels like Syawal. I don't want to talk about how our first day was like. It was so shitty and we felt so out of place. Why doesn't things change for the better even without you around? It saddens me a lot and I always wonder in my head, "If Ayah was here, how would it be?"

How are you? It's been 25 days since you left home to return. Ramadhan came and went but I wish you were still here. How was last year's Ramadhan? We were all at home weren't we? One big comple family. Were we happy? Were you happy?

So many things I want to say for the past few days but I've been too busy with school. I'm sorry if you were waiting for something but nothing over here changed. We're still stuck here and I don't want to move on just yet. I don't care what people want to say about me not wanting to let go. Because nobody will ever understand no matter how much I try to explain.

Lately, I've been wondering if this statement is true ... Death puts an end to all the pain someone suffer. People keep telling that it's best to let you go because you won't have to shoulder the pain anymore. But does anyone ever think that to end someone's pain .. is the start of another person's pain? Have anybody wondered how much pain we're still in?

I've not been thinking about you too much lately and that made me feel useless. How could I start forgeting someone whom I love so much? Why does it hurt much lesser than before? What is it that took that feeling away from me? I need that pain to remind me of reality. I need that pain to get me through everything. Because only through the pain I feel, I know I'm still alive and kicking.

I don't feel you around anymore. Your clothes are still hanging where they are, still waiting for you to fill in for them. Your caps are still there where you left them, still waiting for you to fit them on your head. Your daughters and wifer are still here where you left them, still waiting for something..

Atleast I'm still here where you left me, still waiting for you to return home from that long holiday you took from us.

I'm afraid of December .. I'm afraid of January .. I'm afraid for the new year without you here with us.

Can you come home?

Love and misses,
Kakak

 Dear Ayah,

If you were here physically, we wouldn't have cry so much.

Love,
Kakak

 Dear Ayah,

I guess I lied about not wanting to get a new baju kurung for Raya this year. I guess I lief about not going to Geylang this year. Because today, we just went Geylang to get a new baju kurung for this year, with Mak Long.

This morning, after sahur, I dreamt of you. In the dream, I dreamt that you were still alive but sick and that you were on your deathbed. In the dream I hugged you. It was so real, I woke up wanting to see if it was you I was hugging. But, you weren't there. So, desperately, I went back to sleep and the dream continued. 

You said, "I'm sorry." 

And than, you were gone. I wasn't crying in the dream. I didn't feel sad. Instead, in that dream, I went to search an old friend of mine and told her, "My dad passed away, again."

So, when I got back from meeting my friend, I started to clean my room and I found a note in between my study notes that said, "I know you have worked and studied so hard and I'm so proud of you. I left a letter on the top shelf (somewhere I can't remember what now). Please read it."

Than I woke up because Ibu woke me up to get ready for the Geylang trip. The whole time I was showering  I tried not to cry. I mean, it was a very weird dream. What's with the "My father passed away, again" part?? That totally doesn't make any sense to me in any way.

I asked Ibu if she dreamt of you this month and she said once about us during a Hari Raya when we were wearing green as a family but me and adik were still small kids. 

I told Ibu about my dream. And than, I cried.

What are you sorry about, Ayah? Are you sorry for not being with us this year? Are you sorry that this year there would be only 3 person celebrating Raya this year? Are you sorry because there's only 3 days left you will be with us and the next time you'll get to return home will be next year's Ramadhan?

That letter saying you're proud of me .. is that the main purpose of you coming into my dreams? You didn't get to see my O Levels result, you didn't get to see me off on my first day of Poly, you didn't get to see me walk into Poly and I didn't get to show you how I did all these while.

Is the dream a way to tell me you're proud of me because all this while I've been really empty because I can't hear a, "I'm proud of you" or "From now on, please continue to do your best" from my dad. I'm jealous how people can show their results to their parents regardless how good or bad it is.

The day I told you, "They said you can't make it through" and you gave up, I wanted to add, "Please wait till you see my O Levels result. Please wait till you see me go to Poly. Please wait." 

If I told you that, will you persevere for a few more months? Will you continue fighting even though you wanted to give up? Will you? 

I don't know about you leaving anything behind for us, a letter or any of that sort. We didn't go through your belongings after you left because avoiding is the best remedy. But, I'm not sure if what you said about you leaving anything behind is true because I cannot recall the place at all. I'm sorry I forgot about it in such a very short time.

This year, all three of us are wearing different colours. I wanted black this year because mourning colours feels right to me. There's nothing much to celebrate this year, right? But Ibu said about her dreaming about all 4 of us wearing green, so I ended up buying green. Last year was green too wasn't it? But this year, it's just different. 

This year, adik made me mad again, like the past years. Mak Long was confused about how indecisive and stubborn adik is. She said, "If your dad was here, I think he will say, 'Her stubborness is one of a kind' but I doubt he will scold your sister because he love her." You don't know how much I wish you were here. 

The house smell like Raya. Fresh curtain were put up a few days ago, kuihs took their normal place on the coffee table, the fans got the cleaning they deserved after being ignored for 8 months so on and so forth..

Tomorrow, we will be buying fresh ingredients for Raya. Usually, all 4 of us will go but tomorrow, only 3 of us would be going to the wet market. Why do things have to change?

The F1 is here and adik is watching it now alone. If you were here, I bet both of you will have your eyes glued to the screen and keeps talking about it. Every time adik commented something, it just reminded me of you who loves to give comments on almost everything you see on TV. I guess she's taking your place now isn't she? 

I'm having a headache trying to control my tears. Time just passes by so fast this year. Am I ready for a new year?

Love and misses,
Kakak

Dear Ayah,
               
                    Raya's coming soon.
                    But no matter how many Raya songs we heard on air,
                    No matter how many bazaar I would go,
                    No matter how many advertisements shown on TV about all those "Happy-Hari-Raya nonsense",      
                    I still don't have the feeling of wanting to celebrate Hari Raya this year.
                   
                   People are all being very excited over so many things. But I don't feel the excitement at all. I used to remember how excited I was during the last two weeks of Ramadhan. We used to play 'bunga api'/ fireworks you brought for us. We will always want the red pack because it's longer compared to the other boxes. We will squeal in excitement and such, but if you were to give me that now, I wouldn't know what to do.

                    Than, like most families, we would be very busy with preparations of Raya. Every year without fail, you will always fry the popiah to make it into layang-layang. People who come visiting our house will marvel at how white and how crunchy the layang-layang would be. Why didn't I find that a big deal back than? Why didn't I try to like the layang-layang? This year, we would not be doing any of those. And I miss those days where we would all be in the kitchen, baking, packing all the kuihs in.

                    Usually, you and Ibu will be putting down the langsir. But this year, I had to do it alone. It feels so lonely.. Will this loneliness follow suit till years to come? Every year, we will always light up lampu kelap-kelip but this year, we haven't light it up even once. Usually, Ibu would be the most excited one to switch it on and we would always comment, how jakon Ibu is. This year, none of us even bothered.

                    Every year, without fail, we would at least step into Geylang once. Yes, even though I hate Geylang to the core during Ramadhan, we as a family would still go there to get our Raya clothings. Nobody knew last year was our last year buying our Hari Raya clothings together. If I'd knew, I would try to control my temper better. I'm sorry the last memory you had as a family when we were at Geylang is me being grumpy and annoyed. I'm sorry we couldn't make it together again to Geylang this year.

                     I'm amazed by how numb I am this year. I don't feel like doing anything. When people talk about their Hari Raya preparations, I tried to smile. But I thought it was too obvious the smile was fake. The pain, it still lingers in every part of my body. This pain, you call love..

Love & misses,
Kakak

Al-Fatihah

Dear Ayah,

14 days of Ramadhan flew by. All this while I've been avoiding that spot in my heart.
It's so empty, I bet If someone taps me, I'll produce a loud sound.

Some days I feel like crying. Somedays I tried acting tough. Somedays I thought why did I have to grow up too fast?
Some days I heard you. Somedays I wished you were here. But we all know who we miss the most.

You know how some people ask, "Isn't it painful not to let go?"
But they all got it wrong. It's painful when you let go, it's painful when you start to forget.

I heard the recliner moved in the middle of the night.
It was like as if you were sitting in your favourite chair.

2 weeks passed, another 2 more weeks to go.
I miss you.
I miss you so much it hurts in every part of me.

I miss you,
Kakak

Dear Ayah,
               
                    First Ramadhan without you.
                    First day of Ramadhan without you.

                    I couldn't take it. I cried. Yes, your egoistic duaghter cried. Why do I feel like I'm waiting for you to show up and ring the doorbell and knock the door to return home? To return back to us?

                    Is home still the same from the last time you left? You finally get to go home. I'm sorry that last time you couldn't do so. I'm sorry I couldn't do anything about it.

                    Last night I couldn't sleep at all. I kept waking up every one hour or so. Were you there?

                    Your chair in the kitchen is still empty. Your blue fluffy slippers has no new owner. Your mp3 player still waits for its owner to switch it on. Your cap is still in the store room. Your clothes are waiting for it to be worn.

                    Us.. we still wonder how are we going to move on. Perhaps right now you're smiling while looking at us. Maybe you're a little dissapointed, but we wouldn't know.

                    Two years ago, on the first of Ramadhan, you fasted,saying you will try your best to cope with your disease and keep up with your duties as a Muslim. You tried your best and you got admitted into the hospital for the first time instead.

                    I cried but you told me not to because, "Kakak nangis nanti Ayah makin risau tau?" Are you worried now? If you are, I better stop crying..

                    I miss you.

Love,
Kakak         

Dear Ayah,

                    Okaeri. Welcome back home.
       
                    How tomorrow it'll be like to sahur without you around, I've no idea. How is it like to have only 3 girls around for sahur, I've no idea. How is it like to see the seat where you always sit empty, I've no idea.

                     I don't feel excited at all for this year's Ramadhan. People are telling me how they're looking forward to Ramadhan, to the bazaar, to the terawih, to the mood of Raya, but for me, I've none. What I'm feeling now I've no idea too.

                    Will we be making kuih this year?
                    Will we be changing the curtains this year?
                    Will we be changing the arrangement of the furnitures?
                   
                    When people talk excitedly about the colour of clothes they're wearing for this year's raye, I could only smile and listen because I won't be doing any of those. Will it be weird to not have you around during the first day of raya? Will it be weird not to see you going out with all the males to the mosque and come back with them from the mosque during the first day of raya? Will it be weird to have one parent less to ask for forgiveness?

                    This feeling, in my heart, I'm not able to describe it. It hurts a lot till I can't feel it anymore. I promise you not to cry but it's so hard to do so. I'm sorry this is the only promise that I'd been breaking time and again. I miss you. We miss you. I wonder if you miss us too?

Love,
Kakak

Al-fatihah

Dear Ayah,

                    You came into my dreams 2 times this week.

                    The first one, I dreamed that you called home. You talked to Ibu first and I got really excited in the dream. When it was my turn to talk, you didn't said anything at all. The weird thing about the phone call was that I can see your face and you only smiled at me. I started crying because you wouldn't talk to me. I woke up suddenly and realised my pillow was wet. I tried to sleep again to continue the dream, but the connection was lost.

                    The second one was this morning. We were all at this one big place, somewhat like a stadium and I dreamed we were watching my favourite J-pop group performing and it was somewhat like an NDP performance. Suddenly, they asked all the senior citizens to stand up. I turned to my left and scanned the crowd of senior citizens and than .. I saw you.

                    You walked into the crowd and started looking for an empty seat. You were not that skinny, you looked happy, you wore a blue checkered short sleeve shirt, your beige Camel jeans and your Nike cap. You found and empty seat, you looked at me and waved. I cried. I starting crying because I miss seeing your face. You looked at me and smiled and put your index finger over your mouth to shush me, in a way to tell me to stop crying. In the dream, you didn't came near me, I didn't went near you.

                    I woke up and cried because I still miss you. I started sobbing really badly because I realised I couldn't take all this pain that's contain in this little thing that people called it heart.

                    It's easy for people to say, move on because a death is a death. But for as long as I decide you're still alive with us emotionally, this won't end and I won't move on.

                    The other day, I went to Novena to eat our favourite chicken rice. The rice was soggy, the chicken was salty but only the soup tasted the same. The taste both of us used to love was gone. It went along with you. Maybe it's a good thing because I would only want to savour the good taste with you. But it saddens me that I can't savour it anymore to remember you.

                    The hospital was the same. I entered with a heavy heart because the last time I took the same path, the memories were still fresh playing in my mind. I remember the train ride I took everyday to see you was nerve wrecking. I always have negative thoughts, what if halfway you decided to give up and we won't get to see you for the day anymore?

                    What if something happened to you and the hospital didn't alert us?
                    What if something happened to you and the hospital tried to alert us but couldn't get through?

                    Everyday was a pain trying to overcome those fears. Everyday was so hard for me. And once we reached Novena, I will just rush out, walk as quickly as possible to your ward because who knows that would be the last day I was going to see you? It was the same for going home time too. Like I would turn every second to wave you goodbye because I want to see your face. I wanted it to last than, I want it to last now, I want it to last forever.

                    Ramadhan next Monday. Come home to see us.

I miss you,
Kakak

Al-fatihah

Dear Ayah,
                   Wednesday I'll return to Novena after 7 months and 16 days of not doing so. I told Ibu how much I miss the Chicken Rice over there and how you used to say, "Kakak nak ikot Ayah pergi appointment? Lepas tu boleh makan nasi ayam."

                   I'm sorry for the days I turned you down and said no just because I was lazy and I'm sorry for the days you had to go there alone and I'm sorry for the days you had to return home alone and I'm sorry for the days you had to walk alone.

                   My never ending list of sorry is making me feel even more sorry. I'm sorry I didn't realized you wanted someone to follow you then. I'm sorry I realised it only now.

                   The train rides I have with you when we go there together was long. I always wanted to make it short but now, I wished the last time we rode the train together would never have to come to an end.

                    There are days when you would talk non stop to me and I would pretend to listen and keep nodding my head but never reply to you. I'm sorry for being a liar.

                    There are days when you would close your eyes just to have a short nap and I would say, "Thank god he didn't talk to me today." I'm sorry for having such thoughts because now, I want you to talk to me again.

                     I would go to the world's end just to accompany you over and over again. I don't mind the 40 minutes train rides. I don't mind listening to you talking about things that don't interest me. I don't mind.

                     Come home soon.

Love,
Kakak

Al-Fatihah

Dear Ayah,
                   Today I read my friend's blog and she wrote something about her parents loosing their parents. How can I forgot that you have parents too? I've been selfish all this while. I'm sorry I keep thinking about my parents but have not been thinking about others.

                   29 May 2001, you lost your Mum, I lost my grandmum. At that point of time, I really looked up on you. You were so filial when Grandmum got admitted to the hospital because you spent your nights there with her instead of us.

                Who knew that 7 years later, I did the same thing as you? Who knew 7 years later I was given this challenge so big? Maybe Allah swt wanted to test us if we were filial to you. Maybe Allah swt wanted to see how far we would go to show we love you.

                I'm crying so hard right now because I'm sorry if sometimes I were inpatient to you and replied harshly to you. I'm so sorry. I knew I asked you for forgiveness but I can't help but fell I've hurt your feelings too much. If you were here, I don't know if I would be what I am today, if I would be remorseful.

                Ayah, I wonder if you were like me, unable to move on after Grandmum's death. I wonder if you think about her everyday. I wonder if you miss her everyday like we miss you. I wonder if you think about her everyday like how we think about you everyday.

                Do you miss grandad? I never had a chance to see him. But Mak Long always say, "Look no further. Your dad is a carbon copy of your grandad." Is that true? Is that the reason why you wouldn't want to return to Indonesia to Grandad's home town?

                You told me that you regretted that nobody followed Grandad's footsteps. You told me he was intelligent in making batik, in cooking, in handicraft. You told me he was a very pious man. You told me nobody in the family was like him. And than, you had tears in your eyes. They had a hint of regret too.

                I wonder if in the future when I were to tell  stories about you to my children, would I have tears in my eyes? Would I still have a hint of regret in them like I do now? Would I still be able to recall every single thing?

                I love you. Exam is in 2 days time and I've been working my best. You'll be very proud of me one day.

Love,
Kakak.

Al-Fatihah

Dear Ayah,
               
                   Yesterday was National Day. It would be more awesome if you were here. Adik can't stop rambling on and on about the her Black Knights. I guess if you were here, both of you would chatter non stop about those planes. To think back, it's been ages I heard you rambling on and on about these things. I took it for granted last time and now I'm terribly sorry with myself.

                   The orchid we placed on your home today made the new look more refreshing. I wanted to cry on the way in the taxi because somehow I remembered the day we sent you to your new home. Did you see us?

                   Puasa is in a few weeks time. Please watch over us. I promise not to make Ibu mad or provoke adik's emotions. I promise not to cry for you not being here during puase for the first time.

                   My exam is on this friday. It sucks that my attention span nowadays are very short. But I'm determined to do very well for this exam because I don't want to break my promise. Please pray for me.

I love you,
Kakak.

Dear Ayah,   

                   Today during CMB, my lecturer went through the topic about cancer cells. All those terms seems so familiar to me. Reading through your medical reports over the months made me seemed like I'm an expert about it.

                   Every time if the lecturer in class started to talk about cancer just in general, all I do is to grit my teeth and continue pretending I'm ok. I pretend so much these days that I wonder if anybody ever realise what a good liar I am, especially to myself. But just now in class, I almost wanted to cry because I recalled the first time you were told you had cancer.

                   It was the 3 of us with a roomful of doctors, both seniors and juniors. They went through alienated terms and I was there with you but I couldn't fight the feelings. They speak in a language only they could understand but the only sentence we both understood was, "You have cancer."

                   You broke into a smile, nod your head, and said, "Ok". I wonder what was going through your mind at that point of time. Were you going to cry? Or do you pretend that you're strong because there's me there with you. I wonder whether you wonder how much time left you have with us. I wonder whether you wonder if you have the strength to live days to come knowing the fact that you will leave us someday. I wonder whether you wonder how will it be after you left us.

                   I still wonder..

                   There's so many things that I've not do ever since you left. Like having a cup of teh tarik. All I do now is have an instant one because I only drink teh tarik that is made by you. Like cycling on your mountain bike because it somehow reminded me of you on that bike and the distances you cycled.

                   It's the season of durians now and the last time we had durians as a family was ... I can't recall...

                    National Day is in a week's time, I suppose. Do you remember the last time we watched fire works as a whole family at Marina Square? That was ages ago. I'm going to bring Ibu and adik to watch fireworks next week, though I'm not sure where the best spot is. I'm sure if you're here, you would know where the nicest spot to see the fireworks would be.

                   Do you remember every year without fail when the jets were to fly pass our house, you and adik will get  very excited about it and will always peek out the window just so to get the glimpse of them jets. Oh, and you and adik will always be the excited ones in the family to put up the National flag.

                   This year, we're leaving the spot where the flag is usually hung up empty, just like the empty spot in our hearts. Ayah, gomen. Maybe you don't want us to be like this, but this just seems to be the right thing to do.

                   I'll visit you soon.

I love you,
Kakak.

Al-Fatihah

Dear Ayah,
How severe is the pain you suffered for the 2 whole years? Why didn't you try to tell us? I want to know how painful is the pain cancer patient goes through.

You always tell me the pain pierced through your bones but I wonder what is it like to feel it for myself. If I were to have cancer, would I be as strong as you? If I were to have cancer, would I be as optimistic as you? If I were to have cancer, would I feel the pain you went through?


Ten years ago, who would have thought you would suffer from cancer. Ten years ago, who would have thought that Ibu will lost the love of her life. Ten years ago, who would have thought that you will leave us at such a young age.

"Nakal ye anak Ayah.. Macam mane Ibu tak marah?"
- Ayah <3

I love you to infinity and beyond,
Kakak

Dear Ayah,

                   Yesterday I read a blog about a girl who lost her love. And now when I go about reading people's blog, all they mention about is reading about how sad it was and how they want to treasure the people nearest to them more.

                   Funny isn't it how humans are? No matter how hard they try to comfort her, I find it a cliche. You won't know the feeling until you go through it yourself. You can't compare your loss of your loved ones to other's loss of their loved ones. Memories are different. A death of someone is of a difference from the others.

                   Lonely. Sometimes when I'm at home alone, all I could think about is how lonely we are even though we have 3 people in this house. When we watch a TV show, you are no longer around to comment non-stop about it. I used to find it irritating to always have that thought but now, I find myself a stupid daughter. I should have treasured those moments more.

                   I should have treasured the moments when you were around in the house. I should have talked to you more. I should have accompanied you more. I should have understand you more.

                   We're doing our best here. Saying nothing but we understand everything. I wonder how are you now?

Love,
Kakak.

Al-Fatihah

Dear Ayah,

                   I don't really know how much pain you suffered from your cancer. I still find it unfair that you never tell us anything at all. All the pain, you had to go through alone. I wonder what does it feels like to have cancer? Where does it hurts the most? Your strength? Your joy? Your dreams?

                   When people asked you what sickness you had, you always answer, Sakit nak mati (disease of death). I hated it when you answered that because you answer them smiling. I wonder what was it you hid. Your pain of fear that you might depart from your loved ones?

                   I wonder if you had dreams of seeing me and adik study till university. I wonder if you had dreams of seeing me and adik get married. I wonder if you had dreams of still waking up to another day of seeing your loved ones everyday.

                   Ayah, I hate smokers. I find smokers cruel because they are indirectly murdering innocent people. They took you away from us. Why aren't they suffering what you suffered? Why are they living a life and you're not? Why?

                   I miss my old self. My true old self. Nowadays, I find myself liking silence as company. I don't connect to people anymore. I'm not Lenny. I don't want to blame you for that. I just don't want to lie to others about what I feel. Keeping quiet is the best thing, no? You taught me to never ever trouble people.

                   I love you. Ramadhan will come around in less than 2 months. You will be here won't you? Will you sit along for sahur and buka with us? Will you watch over us?

Love,
Kakak

Al-Fatihah

Dear Ayah,
            
                   Genki? ^.^

                   Sometimes when I see elderly men who are stick thin or wears cap or wears long socks on their skinny legs in a crowded bus, I feel guilty for not giving up my seat to them.

                   They reminded me so much of you because I remember when you're still around and used to take public transport with us, nobody ever gave up seats to you. Sometimes I don't want to just sit and stare back, sometimes I want to give up my seat to them but than, I don't know what's holding me back.

                   Lately, I always have this illusion that you're still around. Like if it's Subuh prayers you would come and wake me up gently with just a "Bangun, Kak" instead of Ibu's annoying yell of "Lenny, Subuh!!!!"

                   Like if I were to go to school, you would be seeing and wave me off to school.

                   Like if I were to come back from school, you would smile at me.

                   Like when I wake up in the morning to go to school, I expect that my water bottle to be cooled and filled up from the day's before because you would always fill it up without me wanting you to.
                 
                   You're still here aren't you? I can still feel you around.
   
                   I've fixed my bedroom light with Ahmad's help. Now I know how to fix it. :) I've yet to paint my room, master drilling on walls for holes and cleaning up the dusty fan. I promise one day I will do all these things, ok?

                   I passed my first tests in my poly life. I passed my biology paper and I'm proud because I don't have basics on Bio you know? Final exam is in a month's time but than ever since school reopen, I can't seem to concentrate in class. Topics have become more harder these days. I remember you used to tell me that education nowadays are getting more difficult and you're proud that your children are able to catch up with the education and do well.

                  Adik got 1st in class during her mid year exam. She was so proud but I can't say much because she only got 70%. But nevertheless, she's happy with it and I can't possibly dampen her mood on purpose. To think back, I never made you proud during my secondary school days. When I can make it to poly, it was too late.

                  I got my first job as a tutor and I must say I'm very nervous because she's my first proper tutor. I'm richer by $90 each month. I want to have more tutee but I guess I need to be patient, right? I hope I'll get recommended to many people and I'll get my own monthly income and won't burden Ibu with my whims and fancies.

                Recently, I watched Honey & Clover. It has a genre of a slice of life and I liked it. One phrase was that, Even though its right in front of you, there are some things that you can't have.

                Like you, you're always right here in front of us but we know we can't have you with us physically. Watch over us, Ayah.

I love you,
Kakak.

Dear Ayah,
                   If you were here, today would be the 3rd Fathers' Day ever since we knew you had 3rd stage of cancer. I still wish you were here though.
      
                   Last night before sleeping, I cried because I remembered what happened the first time you got admitted to the hospital. It was a nerve wrecking experience because at that point of time I was so afraid of loosing you.

                   Two years ago, you had no hair, you were skinnier than me and you loose your voice. Talking to you, especially over the phone, was a hassle because I couldn't hear you and I lost my temper too much sometimes.
   
                   I remembered that day when you was discharged, me and adik fetched you. It was during the fasting month. You were waiting patiently at the chair by the lift alone. It brought tears to my eyes now because  I remembered you looked pitiful and I wonder if anybody who walked past you that day ever have that thought in mind too?

                  When we both walked towards you, you gave us the widest smile and it breaks my heart. I wonder if my heart did heal from that day. Even though it was two years ago, the memories and feelings still play in my mind non stop. I wish I would forget it but than I wish I won't.

                I wonder how it's like there where you are. Do you receive Ibu's gift in a form of prayer everyday? Do you miss us like the way we miss you?

                People are talking about what they bought for their Dad on Fathers' Day. I don't know if I should be jealous about them still having their Dad around because that would be very selfish of me wouldn't it? I know if you were here you wouldn't want me to be a selfish daughter, it's not a character you taught me when I was growing up.

             Ayah, I miss you a lot. It's been 5 months coming to 6 months but it feels just like yesterday you were here with us. Right now I'm just so paranoid in opening myself up to people because I'm afraid people would judge me. I don't want people to know what I'm going through. I don't want people to be pitiful of me. That is something I hate the most in this world.

I love you,
Kakak.

Dear Ayah,  
                   Yesterday after my paper, I met Ibu and Adik at our neighbourhood library. It brings a whole lot of memory. I use to remember when I was still in my late primary school and early secondary school years, you used to work there part time as a cleaner. I remember how the three of use will wait for you to finish your job and than we would have dinner together.
                  
                   I miss seeing you in the dark green shirt, with a pair of ear piece plugged into both ears. You would walk around the library with your broom and dustpan and I would secretly tail you around the library. It took you ages to realize that I was following you but when you saw me, your eyes lighted up and you would smile. How I wish I can still see your eyes sparkle when you see me.

                   The other day, the three of us were watching a late night DVD. I remembered about the nights where we would all climb into our beds but you would stay up a bit longer and switch on the TV secretly and watch whatever there was. I was thinking about what you were thinking about that point of time? Did you knew you were going and that you wanted to make that memory of what you last watch to last?

                   There were some nights where there would be a sudden downpour and you would come into my room and lock the small window that is located next to my bed for fear water would get in. But now, I couldn't be bothered to do that anymore and I realised how I was taking you for granted. If only I knew you are going to leave us, I wouldn't want to do that.

                   Today, at dinner, I had a warm cup of teh tarik at Al-Ameen. That warm teh tarik reminded me so much of yours. And than I realised that it's been ages I had a real cup of teh tarik because it has always been you who would ask if I wanted the cup of my favourite drink. Sometimes I wonder if you knew you were going and that you wanted that cup to last me a gallon of memories. You taught me how to make your teh tarik because you said, if you were not here anymore, I would still get to enjoy my favourite drink but I don't want my teh tarik. I want yours.

                    The light in my room had been flickering for a whole of 2 weeks and it needs a change. I forgot to ask you how change the light in my room and when I told Ahmad my room needed a change of light, I bawled my eyes out. I miss seeing you doing such a man thing for us and now, someone needs to be the man of the house, but I wonder who? The fans need a good cleaning out of their dirt, the walls need a new coat of paint, the lights need a new change of bulbs. Why didn't I learn such a thing from you instead of taking you for granted?

                   I miss you, Ayah. I wonder if you miss us as much as we do?

Love,
Kakak